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I'm Here....

It has been suggested to me on numerous occasions to keep a journal or write a blog to help me work through what's going on with my mind. I've tried to start up blogs elsewhere but I'm not ready for that kind of ridicule that comes from random strangers on the internet surrounding my feelings. And I don't want to write my inner most feelings in a book where people can pick it up and take it, or misread it, or misinterpret what I'm saying. Becauase in reality, the whole process is just about getting the thoughts out of my head, right?

So here I am.

My story is so long winded, and has been told to so many psychologists so many times, I don't have the energy to tell it again here. I guess the main points you really need to know is that I have been depressed on and off for the better part of 12 years, which started when my father announced his real sexuality to me, an adolescent, in a shopping centre while on holiday for a much loved family members funeral. I had a severely emotionally abusive mother who for the duration of my childhood took great pride in story topping any of my little achievements. I have spent majority of my life feeling embarrassed, second best and unworthy of any attention.

This time around, though, my depression has come back worse, becasue i have an injury which stops me from exercising. Exercise is how I cope and I've not been able to participate for 6 or 7 weeks. I felt it coming, I felt myself fighting it, but sometime over the last week, I discovered I was loosing the fight and gave up and let it take over. Right now, I want to be depressed.

Why? I don't know.

After 12 years my family (mum and dad and my brother) still doesnt get that I have other coping strategies that I need them to adhere to. My theory is if I get worse enough then they have to start taking notice of the fact that depression isn't just "the blues", that I am not wasting time by seeing my psychologist, and that believe it or not, I can do quite well when all my coping strategies are working for me.

But when I've run out of energy for all these coping strategies, like I have now for whatever reason, I need them. Just to be there. Without a fix. I try and give them all the information they need to help me, but they just don't get it.


So I think I've just decided to give up for the moment. And I'm ok with it.

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