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Permalink 06/07/14 07:35:27 pm , by Miss. Mentsh Email , 2854 views, Miss. Mentsh, Leave a comment »

What to do when you live in a zoo?

This world is confusing for anyone.  Can anyone define normal?  Am I normal?

What is up is now down, what is wrong is now right, what's hot is now cold, what's in is now out, what was yes is now no... Wait a second, this is starting to sound like a Katy Perry tune and you know, I agree, finding unity, the "in sync" is very hard to find.  Learning to find me in an upside down world is and has been my greatest challenge.

... As I continue to walk that desert plane  most days are dry, all I do is thirst, wanting for just one sip.  My every little bit of energy is gone.  I am dehydrated.  I find no water.  Still I am trudging desperately, hanging on to a hope that there is some sort of existence out there.  Food is hard to find, good food that will keep me going for one more day.  Sometimes it almost does not exist.  I am sucking on a thorny cactus that has some nourishment to send me a little further.   But on and on all there is only desert.  I can only see miles and miles of seemingly empty sandy tundra, an array of dunes, an oasis of nothingness.  I drag myself through the thick sand, through the cold nights and the hot days.  My skin is chafed from the handful of dirt that the wind likes to whip my way unexpectedly. A hot sun beats down on my neck and on my back.  The desert, it seems relentlessly anxious to finally completely devour me; to be consumed and lost forever where no one had ever known that I was.

❤If your alone, ❤I'll be your shadow. ❤If you want to cry, ❤I'll be your shoulder. ❤If you want a hug, ❤I'll be your pillow. ❤If you need to be happy, ❤I'll be your smile. ❤But anytime you need a friend, I'll just be me ❣
Permalink 01/28/12 06:23:45 pm , by Miss. Mentsh Email , 3405 views, Miss. Mentsh, 1 comment »

FAITH and HOPE are almost as great as LOVE

I believe, the key to mental illness is acceptance.  We need to learn acceptance.  We need to know that we are loved for what love truly is and means and then apply that value to our self.  It is a very difficult task since how does one know or understand what love is?  To me, mental illness is like someone with an addiction problem.  The problem isn't entirely the individual with the addiction.  Many are to blame for the problem, like the enablers and abusers.  All have contributed in some way.  True, the person is a menace to themselves because the addiction is killing them, but how does one know how to have a lifestyle other than what they know and what they have been taught.  How does someone know function in dysfunction?  One can be very destructive in trying to cope with what one does not understand.  Even if, somehow, function tries to create itself through some kind of rehabilitation process, the person ultimately is thrown back to cope with the same situations and family dysfunction as what has always been.  The environment is always murky and muddy and the pain continues to reside or continue.    To me, mental illness is the same as addiction.  I am addicted to dealing with my problems in a way that is mentally unhealthy.  It has been my challenge to push against my old understanding and recognize the addiction, understand the enemy, and desire not to have it control me anymore.  I had to find truth of what is healthy thinking and living.  I am not taught by my family how to live in a functional way.  Even the world is littered with so much unhealthy information, deception, and selfish help.  Finally, I realized that my creators created my dysfunction that will always be part of me, but if they desire to not stop to learn for themselves too they will never be able to be there for me and each other in a supportive, productive, unselfish way.  Amongst dysfunction, is the person with the mental illness, because lies brought that person there.  That person needs to recognize the lie, and discern truth to be stronger then their environment.  There is a box which does not allow progress or support better health, since in it is no understanding of how to achieve it.  As weak and dependant on people that we are, we really have to be independant and strong to survive healthily!  Unless we desire change for ourselves independantly, and accept only what is good can we grow and be free of the confinement and bondage of our own selves.  We cannot depend on them that don't see, don't hear and don't love.  They don't know what love is and we don't need them.   

I have learned and I continue to learn.  I am very grateful for my faith in God.  I am thankful to now know there was and is a standard in place that choice has denied and has felt was not important.  For that, this world continues to spiral out of control since there is no longer structure.  "Whatever goes" has shaped our environment and taken common ground.  With this way of acceptance, people allow their children to grow up with little guidance.  Since more and more we move from what is good for us to what we don't know is good for us anymore, it is like, they don't know the stove is hot, so it is not considered to teach a child not to touch the stove. An exageraged analogy, however, in this day who is the parent anyway?  My family continues in selfishness to the point of denying their children as they parade through life indulging in vanities with very little regard of the consequences or even admitting that there are any.   

Thank God that there is God, that I can be adopted out of my dysfunction and learn function as I fight my own brought up understanding that is to destroy myself.  With my little understanding of life that could not function, unfortunately, I desired only not to function anymore.  I had almost entirely given up on hope, which would have been very disastrous, since the deception of this short life is so thick, without hope I would not have found faith.  Yet with that mustard seed of faith, somehow I found hope and managed to believe, and it grew into something wonderful in me.   

My friend, if you are reading this and feel discouraged, permit me to encourage you today.  Your story is not a new one to me.  It is not a story since I know the reality.  I know the depths of your pain and hurt.  It is consistent and probably always will be.  It most definitely will always be a part of you, it shaped you and is shaping you; however, the right thing to do is to make it your strength and not your weakness.  Don't let them take any thing more from you! 

Trust God.  Ask Him simply to help and that is all.  Always make Him first and He will show you love.  He is real, but this world denys Him and makes Him out like some scam, but I am living proof that that is a lie.  If you love Him you will want to love yourself.  I love, which is amazing.  Be submissive to that idea and wanting to be better.  This life is short, and whoever you are only matters to you.  Paradise awaits for them that persevere. 

Because of faith, there is hope, but the greatest of these is LOVE 

Permalink 01/27/12 02:05:31 pm , by Miss. Mentsh Email , 1558 views, Miss. Mentsh, Leave a comment »

Just another manic Saturday... oooohhhooh

Six o'clock already... and I just can't seem to get anymore sleep....  I have went from fifteen hour sleeps and wanting to sleep every few hours after that to sleeping only two hours and then wanting to be awake all the time.  This is the fabulous life of the manic and depressive.   Hate the depression part, but if I can, and I usually can, get through it (the depression) without mucking things up too bad.  Of course, during that time, I think life is over and everything and everyone I am involved with is at its very worst and recovery is pretty much non existent.  Mostly, during that time, I am very bored.  I am seeking my next fix, my next high, a challenge, something to do, creativity, converstation; which would ultimately end up leading me to a naturally God given one; a sarotonin special, on the house cocktail... shaken not stirred.  Life battling this illness, needs constant structure and awareness.  I bind myself, almost legally, to my Creator, seeking guidance and structure to make sure I don't go too far off this deepend too.  I try to learn how to relax, but my goals are still always the same.   I seek purpose in what I do, I still take little pleasure in the things I have or any material fantasies.  My desire is to overcome, be well, do well, and to be a good person.  Sounds simple, but bipolar is and will always be the secret to my success.  It has pushed me to limits that I would not have saught without it.  I am deep and I desire reality.


Permalink 01/14/12 05:09:44 am , by Miss. Mentsh Email , 1256 views, Miss. Mentsh, Leave a comment »

All else is sinking sand

I am trying to find my place in life.  It isn't that I feel I am so different than everyone around me, it is that I am different then everyone around me.  I guess trying to fit into the crowd once got me into a lot of mess.  As a people pleaser, I had friends, but were they?  I am an extreme person you know.  When they said bipolar, I thought "Yup, that is exactly what I am".  When I go all out, I go all out.  Everything is about depth... Now though, I don't please for peoples.  I please based on what I believe.  I am who I am and who I am is what I believe.  People don't like what I believe because I am extreme - I go all out.  I am judged and they become unaccepting.  I am alienated.  Religion is such a racket.  They love you, but then they control you.  They are superficial.  The secular crowd nearly killed me.  If I going to have fun, I don't know when enough is enough!  I had my fun with drugs and alcohol and all that did was nearly kill me.  If I didn't do it on purpose I most certainly would have done it by accident.  My irresponsibilties were in such neglect for myself that it became a dangerous game I was playing.  I just didn't know how to be myself, accept myself, and so love myself.

I realize I cannot live wanting the acceptance of others, but it is in our nature that we need to be accepted, right?  Now I know how to love myself and love others, but religion restricts my relationship with others.  What happens for me now when I am who I want to be, (by my faith NOT my religion) but I see that I am not accepted?  People want me to who they think I should be or else they start to walk away.  Where is unconditional love, and how do you have that and still keep yourself?  That is why I get depressed.  I don't know how to have a relationship that is supporting and fulfilling.  I am depressed most of the time, and sad for the things I understand and others just don't want to understand with me.

Permalink 01/07/12 12:32:48 pm , by Miss. Mentsh Email , 4611 views, Miss. Mentsh, Leave a comment »

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