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Depression/Anxiety Blog ( Living my life. The Ups, Downs and Everything in between

Feeling Guilty.....

I have suffered from depression since 2006, I think the beginning was the day my first husband walked out on me and our son. I have had my good days and bad since that time.  Around 2008 when I had my second child my depression was going great. I was able to get off all my medication and life was going great.  In 2011, I remarried and everything seemed to go down hill.  It felt liked I lived that year through sucide attempts, therapists and hospitals in a blurr.  I look back now and think of all the damage I have done to my children.  The guilt I harbor for my son not having his dad.  For the man I choose to create life with and in the process forever left an emptiness in my own child.  I harbor guilt for always seeming to "yell" at them and forgetting that they are children and are going to be loud and sassy.  I feel guilty for all my medical conditions that keep me from doing things with them and in bed most days.  I feel guilty for not being able to form the bond with my step-daughter that my husband wants me to produce.  I feel guilty for not allowing my husband to adopt my children out of fear from my own thoughts and I feel guilty for my husband wanting me to adopt his child and me not knowing if I want to or not.  I feel guilty every minute of every day of my life.  Just guilty...I feel nothing but guilt.  If I didn't feel that....I would feel nothing.

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