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March 12th, 2011

in as far back as i can remember, i dont think ive ever felt "normal" whatever that is. I remember being a child and copying a lot of peoples reactions to things, cos i didnt know what i felt and found i couldnt react straightaway to sad, happy or just normal every day news. The only real emotion ive ever felt is anger i seem to react to that, quite easily. ive become an expert at reacting how i think people want me to react, but in all honesty most of the time i just dont care, the irony of that is in most of my life, people have called me a good listener ha ha if only they knew right? Im not uncaring, it just takes me a while to process what i feel about things, and usually a reaction is wanted from that other person immediately, so i just react how i think i should. I recently had a breakdown so was given medication, and i thought finally maybe i will start to feel like i know i should, but all this does is dull me more. Ive prioritised friendships and my relationships with people cos in life you do tend to be friends with people you dont particularly have anything in common with, but cos they have been is your life for a while you feel you should ve friends with them, i dont do that anymore frankly i cant be bothered, but of course now i am completely alone, by choice i know, but as i dont go out because of the anxiety now im secluded to the point of being almost friendless. This probably sounds like the words of a complete selfish self pitying prig but it is my blog right?  i know im the only one who can sort my life out, and i feel ready to do that now and face my failiures cos in all honesty ive been a coward and hid away from everything, but god where do i start? this is my first blog i just feel its time to say everything instead of holding it in maybe it will stop the self pitying and make me stronger...


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