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This is how it starts

.. I've felt it creeping up on my again this week, like a friend you fell out with and rather hoped you wouldn't see again, but I know it is probably more than just the blues, again, it always starts like this, and you think that you can ignore it again, but it isn't like that, is it?

Once you know you have depression, it is a very rude awakening - you know it, 'IT' knows it, and of course, no-one else does.

You carry on, living your life, doing your daily things, and keeping a brave face on it, but there is no denying its back, and once again, you have no idea how long it will last for this time, or when the pills will kick in, or whether you should start taking the ones you had left over from last time, or go and register with the new doctor to discuss things.

It is all inevitably the same signs of 'weakness' that you showed last time, and hoped wouldn't come back and dent your pride again, but of course they have, and do and will.

Do you ever grow out of depression, or is it like being an alcoholic?

Sneaking around all the time, pretending to everyone else things are fine when really inside you're screaming?

I have moved to a new town about 12 weeks ago. I got married 2 weeks ago today, and since then, its really come out of the shadows.

I spoke to my husband about it, and he said it was maybe just the post-wedding blues, and maybe he is right, but every day that I think tomorrow will be better, and it isn't.

The sleeping for ages has started again too, you know, the type you just can't wake up from. It was 11am on Friday morning that I finally got up. In a way its a good job that we have our own business, and on the other hand I can't help think that's contributing to it - the pressure of working alone, not having any colleagues to joke with, or bounce ideas or problems off, it all just remians internal dialogue, and eats me from teh inside.

I have tried to talk about it, with my husband, with my mum, and a couple of friends, but then the guilt complex starts doesn't it?

You don't want to burden other people with your problems.

You don't want them to get upset or worry about you.

So then what? You keep it all inside, and the whole stupid cycle starts again? How long will it last this time, and can talking about it really help? I hope so?

That's why I joined this chat room. I need to do this anonymously this time, and to speak with like minded people, to share their ideas of how to nip it in the bud, and hope I don't get sucked in too deep by other peoples depressed thoughts.

I've never been on a site like this before, and I don't know what to do, but I hope someone reads this, and holds out their hand to me... or I'll be completely alone.

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