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07.13.2010

Better then Worse

Life is a constant battle these days. I hate it. Im getting involved with the wrong things and hiding more and more from my parents. My mum claims to not know who I am anymore. My depression is getting better but I havent been sleeping, I used to wake up at particular hours in the night but now ive had about 12 hours sleep in the past 4 days.

I always feel like somethings missing from my life. I mean I SHOULD be happy. I have family, freinds, and a serious relationship. It feels like I have everything I need.

I remember how early I developed depression, and I would hate anyother person to go throught it at that age.

I feel like im  abusing my life sometime, like I want more and more from it but I feel like I have nothing. Sometimes I still cut now and then and it never makes things better even though I think that at the time. I've been to months of councilling but not long ago I stopped going.

My counciller always thought my depression was linked to me not eating breakfast, but its still there even when I do.

Nobody knows how bad i want to be normal. To enjoy life everyday. To have gone through a life without teasing and depression. Without  cutting and being suicidal. I wish I could just rewind sometimes :/

Karissa,

04.1.2010

Will My Life Ever Be Normal?

Hi, I prefer to use a fake Name rather than remain completely anon.

My name is Karissa and I suffer from Depression.

I recently discovered I had depression and I am the person who finds writing a great way to vent.

I think it all started when I was 9 or 10. My parents would constantly fight and I felt helpless. I would get abused and most nights i'd go to bed crying. One day my Dad walked out after one of their most horrible fights ever.

One year later I had just managed to cope with it but I later on found out that both of my dogs had heart faliure and one had cancer. I didnt take it well, I felt like sometimes they were the only ones I could talk to.

Yes I was young but this all took a big hit on me and I couldnt handle it. My first relationship ended badly. My close freind spread around rumors he was going to dump me so I dumped him.

A year later my next Relationship was with my best mate. That also ended badly and we havent started talking again till this year.

I realised I had depression when I took a turn to sharp objects. I slit my wrists a few times and It became very addicting and hard to control. I had to be very careful, by hiding all sharp objects.

This year I went out with another of my best freinds. He helped me with my depression and self harm and I eventually stopped. Many people would call it immiture young love but I still took it badly. He cheated on me and then dumped me and I lost him as a best freind. I was going to leave him anyway. We started talking about a week ago.

A little while Later I went out with another one of my freinds, he cheated on me for 5 days with my best freind who recently told me of this. We still talk. My best freind has hurt me and I hate that she would ever do that to me. But I forgave her like any good freind would. The one thing that made me feel less pain than I would of is that I stopped having feelings for him.

I fell for my other Best Mate and we are still currently happy together and I see him as one of the best things n my life. He has kept me going in hope that there is something to live for. He has kept me from Suicide and cutting my wrists. He is the most amazing freind and boy freind I could ever ask for, he's always there for me, and I know that if he ever screwed me over I would have a harder time trusting guys than I do now. He is all i've ever wanted and more and he is never judgemental and always has a good veiw on everything. Even with his help tho, he can't keep the depression away forever.

Recently I have admitted to being Bi-Sexual. I trusted my best freind with my secret and I trusted her with helping me keep me and my BF's Relationship quiet. I can no longer trust her. She is a back stabber and I dont think I will ever be able to trust her again. I have very little self confidence and I have also been teased and called anorexic because I am naturally very under-weight.

All I want is a normal life, where I have a chance to be constantly happy. Where everything is peaceful. Where no-one is hypocritical and treats you the way they treat everyone else. No-one will ever fully understand the pain I have to go through but I guess i'll just have to live with it all.

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