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19

If any of you are nerds like me, you get the Dark Tower reference. But its called "Ka", not Karma. Not too much of a stretch. Anyway, that pretty much sums up my life. I feel like I'm stuck in a loop. I keep making the same mistakes. The EXACT same mistakes. My Karma comes back to me very literally. I feel sometimes like I have messed up so bad that there is no fixing things. I actually think about my "next life", and how I feel sorry for her because she is going to lead a sad, miserable existence while she pays for my mistakes in this one. All my mistakes have been in love. It consumes me. I feel like I missed that part in life where you assume an identity. I am still a blank slate. Therefore, if I start spending a lot of time with someone-friend OR boyfriend-I notice myself starting to pick up thier demeanors, thier nuances. The way I talk starts changing, the way I dance, the way I laugh or smile. It makes me latch on to the person because, without them, I lose my identity. It wouldn't be just a break up, or falling out, it would destroy me (or so my mind wants me to think). I have a strong need to control things. I always need to feel like I am prepared for the worst thing that could possibly happen. I let my thoughts snowball to the absolute worst thing that could happen and the I think aobut how that woukd make me feel. How devistated I would be. And I actually FEEL the devistation. I force myself to always experience the feeling it would cause me to have to endure if the worst possible thing would happen. And why would I do this? How could I possibly justify letting myself suffer like that? Because I then have to figure out a plan. A plan of what I would do to try to feel better if it actually happened. And then I think of what I could do to stop it from happening, and then I justify doing whatever it takes ot control the situation because no matter how bad it turned out, it would still be beter than feeling how I feel if it happened. Crazy, huh?

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