I can't sleep, I keep thinking about what a failure of a person I am... I want to talk to someone but fear that the darkness in my heart will crush the light of those that would listen. So instead I lie alone trying to sleep so this day will end. I hope since you who read this don't know me then you will be unaffected.

The more I try to sleep the more I think. Everything feels like a trap, my goals seem like obstacles which I should abandon. I strive to better myself and make no gains... In fact I feel I'm getting worse. I feel I'm wasting time and money on things that won't help.

The only person I've ever been able to open up to is a women I loved, but the love was one way... When I think about it, it is impossible for her to have loved me and I feel by making it clear my position I've added to the darkness in her life, despite my efforts to maintain friendship. I can't make the pain in my heart go away and worse I can't escape it as due to situation we must see each other daily.

I realize I'm good at lying, no one can see into my heart, no one can tell it hurts and that's what I want. I want others to be happy and the last thing I want is people to become sad because of me or to worry because of me. I don't see that as helping anyone.

My problems are small compared to those other face. In fact I have a good life. The only thing missing is some kind of personal relationship but that isn't that important. People are starving around the world, there is war, crime and injustice that hurt so many. So I shouldn't complain. Two or 3 years being trapped with a broken heart and self-hate is nothing. There are many that would care if I dared let them, but it isn't something I can allow in good conscience.

So instead I'll spill my guts so I can remain silent and quietly find my way out of these traps of life.