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Im sinking badly and I need a hand

July 18th, 2011

So Im alone, redundant and helpless. Not getting the right signs already with my career while its just the start. Id survive that. And everything else too. But if only I had someone to share and trust. So many friends yet nobody here for me!

Ive been through some 4 major relationships in the last few years. Bar 1 all the rest of them ended really badly. I guess this is what they call karma. Im so hurt and burnt by 'love' that I vow never to fall in love again. Never to get in a relationship again. But at times the physical and mental yearnings are too much. I supress them now, thinking Il busy myself in XYZ work or whatever. But then I think, can I do this always? Can I honestly live a life where Im alone with nobody around me? Can I grow old and die happily like that?

I need help. I really do. But theres nobody to listen. And I hate to start all over again explaining my past to people who arent aware of it. Im going back to the meds. And im scared of a relapse. A point in time where I actually went to a mental institute wanting to be banged up forever on drugs. This is not what I wanted from life. This is not me.

Hate to say it but it sucks to be me.

Still waiting for that silver lining!

April 26th, 2011

Hello again.

Still waiting for that big decision I mentioned in my last post. Maybe if that comes in my favour I could have some positivity in my life.

Pretty hard to move on knowing that people who have wronged me are living their lives with complete ease and satisfaction. Not a minute of regret. Not a minute of what Ive gone through.

Ive been to a psychiatic clinic, to a mental patients institution to get enrolled in, only to be rescued in the nick of time by friends. Ive locked myself away from the world for months, cutting off contact with everything and anything. Even today I start shaking when I remember those feelings, those events. But as I said its karma for all that I did. Thats one of the reasons why I cant go and share all this with anyone. Because people are judgemental and they know pretty much all of my history with other people. Now to come across as weak and suicidal in front of them will only evoke pity and I cant bear that from people I see everyday.

I dont know where to start from, I really dont. Maybe Il start writing about it in parts and begin soon. But right now I just hope something goes my way. I really need something to look forward too.

Welcome...

April 21st, 2011

..to my life.

A truckload of things gone horribly wrong over the last year. Mostly its karma for all the crap I did previously, but at this point it really seems as if Im going to break. As a former prescribed user of antidepressants for massive depression, Im honestly really scared of a relapse. And guess what, I cant share my situation with anyone around me (for a variety of reasons).

Its funny how many times Ive been so close to Ithaca yet so far. In a lot of things ranging from relationships to academic achievements to now the ongoing job hunt.

Very soon I shall write more and use this blog to write all that which I cant tell anyone. So yes I shall be unloading all that burden off my chest here.

So please if anyone reads this, say a little prayer for me, because I could really do with luck coming my way (especially tomorrow). Otherwise its just another step towards me falling off the edge finally.


 

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