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Depression - An introduction to myself

Hello and thanks for reading what I have got to say. This is the first time I have looked towards the internet for some form of communication with others with the same problems as me so I apologise if my blog sounds a little off. Well here goes ...

My name is Joshua Walker and I live in a relativley small town in England (near manchester to be exact). I have just very recently turned 20 years of age and I have just finished my first year of a five year pharmacy course at university in Liverpool. Anyway incase you haven't guessed it yet I suffer from depression and have done for around three years. I have soo much to talk about and get off my chest but I will try my very best to keep things as simple as possible.

Prior to my depression life was great! I had a fantastic childhood with many happy memories and loving parents. We lived in the same house my father lives in now along with my brother and sister and we all went on many trips and holidays and shared many happy moments with each other. Now my life at school not so great but to be honest it wasn't so bad either. In primary school (or elementary school I think USA and other countries may call it)  I really enjoyed myself. I befriended the popular kids in the school and I love thinking back to all the fun and laughs we had. However I did sometimes get teased due to my frame being rather thin. This happened quite a lot and really damaged my confidence at the time. It had gotten so bad that I had a real big phobia of wearing shorts or shirts that exposed my arms due to the fear of what people thought and being afraid of what people may say to me (this fear still goes on to this day). Anyway, Secondary school came up and the insults and mockerey continued and even got worse through out and my self-esteem became amost entirley drained.

Towards the end of high school, my pediatrician suggested that I could be suffering from a genetic and possibly life threatening disease know as Marfans sydrome. This could have been one of the main triggers to my depression later on in life.  Marfans syndrome is a connective tissue disorder that causes a long and thin frame aswell as pectus carinatum (this is where the sternum protrudes outwards).I should also add that I was also mocked because of this to and I became afraid of people touching my chest. I was tested and it was pretty much confirmed that I had the illness. Now the reason this disease is life threatening is due to the aorta (the main artery of the body) is weakened due to the lack of connective tissue and therefore expands and can eventually rupture. I was scanned and the hospital confirmed that i was already showing signs of this happening and I was terrified. My family was distraught and they all had to be tested to (thankfully no one else had it). I was then put on medication.

Now if I am honest I wasn't that affected by the medical issues at the time. I still managed to get A's and A*'s in my GCSE's and managed to get in to one of the best colleges in the country. But then another upsetting incident occured. It was just after christmas and I was around 15-16 and my mum and dad broke up. My mum went to live with my auntie and my dad stayed at our home. They were always arguing so it was no shock. At the time I didn't feel anything. I did not cry or feel any emotion towards the situation but something was not right. I started to drink my parents alcohol when everyone was asleep and sometimes went out with friends to drink in the sleep. At one point I even got into trouble with the police for tresspassign whilst under the influence. It was horrible. I believe the alcohol was a kind of "cure" for what I believe was my first spell of depression. Anyway this depression continued through out the rest of college and this time I believe my grades where after due to it. Somehow I managed to get the grades I needed to do the course I wanted at university so I got really lucky.

So here I was. Eighteen years of age moving to a student accomodation in Liverpool. My depression at this time seemed to dissapear... for a while. Upon moving into the house I met with my room mates who all happened to be Irish. They were great people upon first meeting them. Anyway in the first two weeks or so I was going out alot drinking with my friend that had also moved to Liverpool for his degree. This probly helped fuel the start of another run of depression. My roommates also started to regularly take drugs (cocaine and cannabis). I did not get involved thankfully but for some reason this made me more depressed. Within a few weeks I was completley fed up. I couldn't even get out of bed anymore

 

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