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Still Holding On

I can't seem to get into anyting lately, my doctor won't see me until next month and I've been having dark thoughts. Although acting upon them isn't a concern, except for the cutting. It helps with the overload of emotional pain and anxiety that seems to overwhelm me when I am in this household. Many ask, why not move out? There are many delimmas keeping me from doing so and I feel so trapped. I just want someone to hold me in a tight embrace and tell me that everything is going to be okay. But that isn't going to happen for me... Hopefully one day I will meet my savior in gold, and they will take me out of this abyss I have been rotting in for so long.


Some days it's a battle, that dark mass is trying to swallow you whole and there's nothing you can do but put a fake smile on your face and say everyhtings okay. The scars on your arms remind you of things you don't want to remember, self-infliction and someones way of trying to get you to be scared for you life so they take your arm by force and slice your tender skin with that rusty blade. "That will make her stop!" But it won't... after years of mental torture one can only handle enough until they snap and then they turn to that sharp edge again to shut off the negative feelings. Crying yourself to sleep at night and not being able to be alone with your thoughts. Afraid to tell that you've been cutting again because of what had  happened the time before. Living in fear of yourself and your parents. But what is there to do when you forgive so easily. Too easily.

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