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4
Jan

Im honestly scared at this point :( I want help..but i dont..

this whole week has been really screwed up...im honestly not sure how much longer i can do this :(

Ive been talking to the guy i have wanted for so long, alot more then usual. Hes dropping hints that make me think hes still interested, but then again theres times when i know he wouldnt still be interested in someone like me.. not when he has someone like her...i feel so depressed and i hate myself for it because i know that my life is so much more, aside from this guy..but everywhere i go, everyday i think of him. i just want it to stop :( how do i make this stop!?

My family has been bothering me alot lately. My mom and dad especially. sometimes i wish  i didnt live at home..i tihnk it would make things easier..like ALOT easier..

All ive wanted to do lately is get high, get drunk, just get messed up! that cant be a good thing, i mean im sixteen, these should be the years im enjoying, and right now they are more like the one i would kill to forget. Summer of 2010 was amazing though. Changed my entire life, id kill to get that back..maybe not even that time, maybe just the people i spent it with. i feel like im losing them, and i dont want too...they mean alot to me and im scared that they dont know that which is why they are letting themselves drift. I want them to know, but i dont want to tell them. I dont want to go back to school in a few days, i hate highschool. Again, highschool, days were suppose to look back on and laugh, and smile, and miss..not me. Ill look back on it and swear to myself my children will never be put through what i was put through. My parents never understood, i know they see it, im going crazy..they know it. They dont accept it, but they know it, and they wont help change it. They are going to loose me one day and wondering why..when all along they could of stopped it.

I spent new years with my ex boyfriend...yup im an idiot. why would i ever think that, that would be a good idea? I didnt plan on letting anything happen..i dont know if i even wanted anything to happen...but things happend and now he wants to get back together, and i just dont know :(! Ugh im so confused..I just want it to be alll gone..all of it, all the pain and the heartache, i cant take it anymore. im suppose to be the strong one, the one thats always there for everyone. but why is it that Im always there for everyone but when i need someone not one person is there for me? I need friends that actually care. I feel so alone in this world right now.

Work feels like home right now..i guess thats good, kinda fought with my manager the other day but i suppose were doing better now. i love my job its just stressful these days.

I have this ex boyfriend who physically and emotionally abused me, and hes kinda back in the picture, His girlfriend recently passes away. So he tells me. I cant trust anything he says anymore. but he is a mess...I dont know how to help him..a part of me just wants to sit back and watch him suffer, like he did while i laid there night after night, taking his abuse. Does that make me a bad person? it does doesnt it, Who wants to see someone suffer!? Im a horrible person.

Ive been eating lesss and less everyday. Im happy about that. but then again, do i want to have a repeat of grade eight and nine? Part of me says yes, you do. Because right now im not good enough, and im not pretty enough. that needs to change..like now.

Im not cutting as much, i mean i still am, but only a few times  a week...but its starting to get worse and worse. ecspecially when i dont sleep, which i havent been. at all. fml.

I need sleep..i need to get drunk.. i need to get high..i need to stop eating..I need help :(

Im losing hope..rapidly. This is going downhill vvery quickly..and to be honest, im extremely frightened :(

 

To anyone who may have read this, stay strong..even though i cant..i know you can make it through <3

TogetherWeMoveMountains<3

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17
Dec

Shitty Week :(

Hello again,

so titles pretty much clear, Shitty week. It was one thing after another this week. Monday night, a friend of mine shot herself over a boy, a part of me is so angry at her for taking her life, at such a young age, because of someone she thought she was in love with. Im not even really sure it was just him that pushed her so far over the edge..She messaged me on Monday, i was sleeping. Once i woke up and went to reply, i went to her fb page and a bunch of her friends were saying Rest In Peace and all that...She messaged me in her time of need and i failed to be there for her..I said to her that day( cause we had talked earlier before her fight with her boyfriend) that she could message me whenever if she needed to talk, and when she did, i wasnt there, like i said i was going to be..I feel like such  a failure !

Her mom told me she was two months pregnant at the time of her death, Im not even sure she knew. It keeps getting worse and worseee

I dont really remember being at school much this week...its all kinda blended together..I dont know what im doing any more:(

i started to cut again this week. Everything was just beginning to be to much..

Again, FAILURE!

thats all i feel like ive been lately, I have no energy to do anything, dont wanna work, dont wanna go to schoool, dont even wanna hangout, i just want to stay home (not even wanting to be here sometimes) cuddle up with my boy <3 put on a movie and go to sleep!

before i went to bed the other day i went through the medicine cabinet, i was looking through all my parents medication and what not...I cant believe i am still considering taking my life. Knowing what my friends death did to me, and her other friends and family i realize i dont want to put people through that pain :(!

I dont know what im suppose to do, i dont wanna be here anymore, i dont wanna take my life though, it would hurt my family..although im still conviencing myself that, i dont think they really care.

 maybe it would make things easier if i wasnt around...just maybe.

ugh, theres too much going on..I need to stop being so sad, and just realize this is life.

I didnt ask for this...

I misss my boy! :( <3

my feelings for now, screw everything!

Even though im not sure i can, to all of you: Stay Strong <3

Youll be hearing from me soon im sure...<3

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13
Dec

Ohmygodd:(

Hey all, so im back. i guess this helps me a little bit.

Today wasnt one of my best days, i didnt sleep at all last night, and i felt very unstable all day. theres alot going on in my life and one way i deal with it is by cutting, im recently getting into taking too much of medication and I have been smoking a lot and been feeling the urge to drink. Summer time was the worst for me, i was either drunk or high everynight for over half the summer, i dont remember about half my summer nights, how screwed up is that?

Something inside of me is telling me i need help but then there is this voice, this over powering voice that tells me i need to do this on my own, and my own way, or im weak. I dont want to be weak..I have a sister i need to stay strong for ..i just know that if things keep going this way i wont last much longer.

I have been thinking alot about suicide, and ways i could do it, i catch myself and do my best to stop but sometimes its just too much, over the summer i almost went through with it, and this boy of whom im in love with saved my life.

Ive been depressed for a long time now, i think it only really began when i entered highschool, so much stuff happened the summer before grade nine and it made me want to take me life. and here i am over two years later, still in the same spot. Im stuck :(

today would have been my best friends birthday, naturally today would of been one of my happiest days, hes 18 today, or would of been. He killed himself just about three months ago. We had plans, we were suppose to go out tonight, we were suppost to go to Quebec this winter. But that wont be happening, I hate when things change, especailly when its impossible to get them back to the way they were before. I have this thought drilled into my head: People always leave. I believe it, Chris, my best friend was one of four guys i have ever told EVERYTHING to, and he killed himself, one of the other four, died in a car accident a week after i told him everything, another one just moved away and we barely talk now. and The fourth person, is this guy i am in love with and would do anything for, even though things are like they were before i still wish we could be as good as friends as we were before. I miss him so much. I need to stop myself, when i think of him i get really sad, a part of me wishes he had never entered my life but then a part of me says i am damn lucky he did. I just wish I didnt feel this way anymore, I want to know what he is feeling right now. Ahhh..im going crazy.

Stupid dogs are barking, i should take them out. Post again soon <3

-Together We Move Mountains <3

 

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12
Dec

Someday He will be mine...i hope.

Im not all that sure as to what im suppose to say, I mean i guessi think this wont help me any. but maybe im wrong, i mean we dont know everything, sometimes i wish i did but then i remember it would make life harder by far.

I suck. today was another one of those days, I woke up, slept in. I wanted to get up early, do my homework do my laundry, but i didnt, i got up about 11. I went into the bathroom, i looked in the mirror and again, just like everyday before this one, i hated what i saw. People tell me im beautiful, and ill play it off, take the compliment, but i never, an will never believe it. I hate everything about myself. I weight about 105 pounds and i think thats too much. I want to lose about 8 pounds by the time im 17. which reallly is not that hard, if i really work at it. Which im going too. I hate make up, i dont wear alot of it, but i do wear some and it does nothing for me. Im not pretty enough and some people make that very clear to me on a daily basis.

i know that im not good enough, my ex boyfriend tells me this everyday, its the first thing i wake up to a text every morning saying how i should just kill myself because ill never be forgiven. He (and myself) blames me for my best friends death, who happened to be like a brother to my ex. Hes dead because of me and i will forever live with that regret.

On a bit of a better note, Im in love with this amazing guy, he doesnt quite know it, well actually i think he does but we have hit a rough patch. Hes the best thing that has ever happened to me. When we first met, we hit it off pretty goood, but his best friend showed more interest in me. One night this guy kissed me, i was shocked i didnt know he liked  me at all, i knew his best friend was into me, but not him. Hmmm..I hate this situation. I miss him, we stopped talking for while after he basically saved my life, he helped me through one of the worst nights of my life and i will forever be thankful. We are starting to patch things up i believe, but it is taking longer then i expected. I hope we can make this work. Hes the one person that actually makes me feel good about myself. ohh how i miss him :( Im looking forward to the day that he realizes he fucked up. who am i kidding...he doesnt want me..who does :(

I dont think very highly of myself as you can tell.

Wow, i actually said quite bit..thats more then ive opened up to anyone in months. hmm..We shall see where this takes me.

 

-Together We Move Mountains <3

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