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my story

May 30th, 2010

iv never done this before, so try to bear with me. im 18 years old and wondering what happened to my life. i went from having a great family of four and a home when i was young, to living on friends couches washing my clothes in my high school gym laundry room, wondering where my next meal was coming from, without any kind of real family my senior year. my mother is an alcoholic, and iv heard doctors and other experts say shes one of the worst cases, if not the worst some have ever seen. when i was 14 a doctor said with her current lifestyle she wouldnt survive through chrismas, but she has one tough liver. i spent my first two years of high school keeping her alive, while my father slipped in and out of the house, and my older sister ran off to college never to be seen again. from cracked heads, to countless near deaths from alcohol poisoning, i stood next to her and was basically an on call ambulance for those years. she didnt eat when drinking, so i had to force feed her. we would always get her baker acted right before she kicked the bucket, often weighing around 70 pounds. spent all our money on treatment centers, then comes bankrupcy. father disappeared from my life when I was a Junior in High school, he would come home at 4 in the morning and sleep till he left when at 12, hardly ever saying a word. and the ass basically let me starve. I have good friends, but few who even know half of this. after breaking up with my gf who i tried so hard to find happiness in my senior year, i finally broke. but then i found happiness in the most unlikely of places, myself. my philosophy now is that joy and happiness essentially comes from me, inside me, not everything around me, although they can certainly help. my mother still does not give a flying shit about me, my father just "borrows" my money to take HIS gf out, then forgets im there AND to pay me back, but i always have to find hope. im to stubborn to admit to others im depressed, even tho i probly am. but there is joy in my life, and i want other people to feel the way i do. that no matter how f*#&ed up everything is, you can still find joy in your own heart. loving yourself is one of the hardest things to do in life, but it can be done. and if you do, its easier to love others, and for them to love you. drinking, smoking, etc doesnt solve your problems. just find a way to forgive and love yourself, everyone is worthy of being loved, even the manipulative scornful ungrateful awful bitch of a mother i have, well, maybe. im going to college to start a new life this fall, not knowing how il pay for it, or even how to get my meals, but f#&k it, ima go live my life the way i want


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