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Why cant I find happiness????? (1st blog)

This is my first blog ever. Dont know much about this website. I found it thru a search I did on depression. I can feel im falling in deep into it. I thought maybe this would help. Maybe if I write some of my life story, I can get some advice, help, something, anything.

Well I am a 34 y.o. puertorican woman, unhappily married with 2 kids. As a teen, I was short, very skinny with very curly hair and ugly. (Or at least I thought so). My brother and I were mentally and  physically abused by my dad, never sexually luckily. But oh did we get hit, all the time. My dad never wanted me. During an argument we had he said he wished he would have forced my mom even harder not to have me. My mom said she would never abort her child and had me. Sometimes I wish she would have. He would always say I would never be anyone important, never be loved, never be prosperous. He was just an awful father. I tried to commit suicide various times but I couldnt even do that right. The boys in school didnt pay much attentiom to me. The ones I liked didnt want me and would reject me because of my height and weight and I had small boobs, and the ones who did like me, I thought were too nerdy and didnt go out with them. I never had a real boyfriend until I was 19 but of course it didnt  work  out because he left me for another girl, prettier and with bigger boobs. I always thought of myself as ugly so I straightened out my hair and tried to dress better but I didnt have money so that was hard. We were living in New York at the time and my dad out of the blue said we were moving to Puerto Rico. Boy did I cry cause I had my heart set on going to college and going into a dorm and finally be away from my dad. So I asked him if I can stay in NY with a family friend and he said no that I can just go to college in PR. So I said ok. And once we were in PR I began to search for colleges and my dad turned on me and said he will never let me go to college and that my place is in the kitchen with my mother. I begged and begged  but he never let me go. So I suggested maybe take a short course in medical secretary for one year that my friend told me about and he actually let me do that. But of course I never found a great job cause no one wanted a secretary with little schooling. So after 20 years of mental, physical and sexual abuse, my mom finally took courage and left my father. I thought great, Im free from my dad and thought things would get better for me but it didnt. Since im the oldest of 3 kids, I had to get a job and help my mom with bills. Tried to go  to college but didnt have the transportation or money to go. In PR you really need a car to get around and my mom had the car to go to her job and take me to work so I just couldnt go to college.

My love life sucked of course. The one boy I actually fell in love who accepted me as I was, who claimed he fell in love with me, his mom hated me because I got laid off my job and because I was 4 years older than him. So she bribed him and told him she would buy him a new car if he would break up with me and he did. So much for being in love.  So he broke up with me and all of my friends just gave their backs to me. I became truly alone with only 2 friends who later I lost as well. So I moved to back to New York with that family friend and I met this man, 20 years older than me, who asked me out and I just thought wow a man actually wants to go out with me skinny ugly me? And so I accepted, we dated for 2 months, had sex, and moved in with him the third month. He bought me clothes, did my hair and dyed it red, did my nails, promised he would help me with college and a getting a job. It all sounded great, I just thought well I dont love this man but I can learn. I can have someone to love me and take care of me. Or so I thought. I learned to love him but never fell in love with him. Since he was making a lot of money he told me I can stay home, do college online and not work, but he actually just wanted a maid and a cook. The first year seemed great, the sex was amazing, we went to clubs, I was drinking, he took me to Virginia and Florida for vacation. Wow it was awesome. I got pregnant with my first child but lost it. Months later got pregnant again and luckily had a beautiful girl. We got married right after she was born. After she was born things went down hill for us. Never got around to doing college. The sex was less, he began working nights, we didnt spend much time together, he began to just get angry at me and yell for no reason. He would come home smelling like women's perfume and a woman's vagina, he began lying, and then began the mental and verbal abuse. He never hit me thank God but his words hit my heart harder than a MMA fighter beating me up. He said I would never be anyone, that I would be nothing without him, he would call me names, said no one would love me. And so I tried to find a place to go and planned to move back with my mom but I got pregnant with my second child. I cried so much cause I really wanted to leave him but I thought since I had a boy, maybe things would get better since he always wanted a boy, but it never did. Things just stood the same and I took refuge in church. I began going to a Spanish church and it made me feel a little more at peace. But the fighting continued. He told me to stay home with the kids until they were old enough for school and I agreed. I began to teach my kids at home. 3 years after I had my son I fell down the stairs and fractured my vertebrae and my tailbone was pushed up. This fall caused me so many consequences til today. So I went to visit my mom who moved to Kentucky and remarried and I just loved Kentucky. The country just reminded me a lot of Puerto Rico. I took courage and asked my husband if we can move there to make a new start for us and fix our marriage and he agreed. We moved but it was  really difficult for him to find a job. Since we are spanish and the people are mostly white, they just didnt want to hire him. So of course the fighting began blaming me for moving and losing his job in NY. He did find one man who hired him but later fired him for being too helpful. (Long story) I found a job but because of back injury couldnt be sitting down for too long and my back got worse. I had to quit my job and continue physical therapy, take a bunch of meds cause I developed other diseases including diabetes and just am in constant pain every day til today. So I couldnt  be intimate as much because of my back, I cant walk, sit, stand or lay for too long. He said I was useless to him and no longer wanted to be in Kentucky. This year he packed up his stuff, went back to NY, said we will still be married but not live together. So Im now in KY, 9 years into the marriage, alone, no friends, no job, extremely sick, getting surgery next month to fix my uterus problems, stuck with diseases and meds for the rest of my life. I've never felt more alone, never felt more useless, feeling like a failure at all I do, feeling no one will ever love me now with me being sick. I had no choice but to file for disability at friggin 34. I feel lost, and depressed. (No I will never kill myself cause my kids depend on me. I wake up every day and struggle thry my pain for them. They are my comfort and God as well.) So Im too afraid to ask for a divorce cause he said he will take the kids away from me if I divorce him. He comes here every month or two, has sex, leaves me money and goes back to NY like nothing happened. Im sure he has other women over there cause I saw a text from a woman on his phone saying she "was bummed he went to see his stupid wife but will be waiting for him when he gets back". I feel stuck, I just dont know what to do. No one will ever love me now being so sick and not being able to move around. Will I ever be free from this man? Will my body ever heal? Will I ever be truly loved? Will I ever find true happiness? GOD HELP ME!!!!

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