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weird dreams

I dream every night, all night (if I sleep). Mostly I don't remember them very well, unless they're really disturbing. Here's two wonderful dreams I'm gonna try to describe from this morning.

 

Dream 1 - Japan (I've been watching lots of anime lately)

So, I can remember from a point in the dream that feels like it should be halfway through. For some reason, my bf and I are in Japan, and I decide I want to go into the city and get drunk and have an awesome girls night out with my friend. We do this, we're in dresses and heels etc (something I almost never do) and yeh. So then I remember from the point where some guys have accosted us. And we're in this awkward docks area or something like that, really empty of people, full of dark corners and uneven ground. And they're really quite vicious, want to beat us up/rape us, something like that. I don't know what's happened to my friend, because I'm alone with this group of vicious guys, and I decide I'm going to run away. I shouldn't be able to escape from this situation in reality, I don't have any weapons, I'm drunk, I'm in heels, I'm not very strong anyway and there's like 5 of them. But I do it anyway, I push them away, and I run. And I keep running and running and I'm scared, and I have to dodge past others, and I don't know who's part of this gang, but it seems like there's someone at every corner and they're all leering at me, smirking, ready to grab me. Somehow I get into this large shopping centre, and I think, good I'll be safe now because there's so many people they won't be able to find me, and I keep running. And I'm trying to get to a policeman or a security guard or someone who can get me out of here safely. So I see a security guard go down this hallway, and I run there, and I run past one of the original guys and I'm like shit they've found me how did they find me?? And my heart is racing and it's so terrifying, and I run down this hallway, and it turns out to be leading to the subway and I can't see the security guard anyway, so I have to keep running because I can't go back. I figure I'll have to jump on the first train that comes, and of course one is coming as I run onto the platform.

Then some dream weirdness happens where the train is also an elevator, so at first it seems like a small box and I get in and I'm the only one and I feel safe, and then someone puts their hand in the door to stop it closing, and gets in and I start screaming no!!! stop! don't come in! or something, but really really screaming. And these Japanese men get in but they're not the ones chasing me, and they look really bemused and I keep screaming, and people keep getting on by stopping the door closing at the last minute. I'm like, hysterical lol. Eventually, they all get in, and none of them were the ones chasing me, but I'm still essentially in hysterics, the train is a train now, but a single carriage one that zooms off into the night more like a bus than a train. Then I ask, crying, where does this train go, and the people sort of laugh at me cuz that is a ridiculous question, but they sort of figure out I was being chased and what's going on. And I'm trying to figure out if the trains following us have the person chasing me on them.

The dream sort of trails off there. Still at high stress level, super emotional. But I want to go back to sleep. I did, had another dream, this time being stalked by a crazy person, at a cheer comp where we had to perform a routine we'd done the year before that no one remembered and half the team hadn't even done, and do it in the middle of the floor where chairs were set up, and met someone I really liked, and our rooms were close by, but outside our rooms were terrifying people who were mobbing us, and I ended up sitting in the hallway under covers trying to hide while crying. This dream was a whole lot more complicated, but the details are more fleeting.

Love my brain...

Bad days

Wannnnt to cut, want to cut, want to cut.

Haven't in years, want to want to want to. Can't stop thinking about it. I close my eyes and all I see if the cuts in my arm I want to make.

And it's ridiculous! Why? I don't hate myself worse than usual, I've not been abused or hurt in some way lately. Life is stressful but life is always stressful and I'm depressed but I'm mostly depressed, and I shouldn't be anyway because I have everything I've wanted and worked for the last 6 yrs. Argh.

 

I just want to cut.

 

Would it really be so bad if I did? Maybe then I can move on and stop thinking about it and it would be over with. I won't have to claw my arms to death, scour my skin off... just so I don't cut. It's gotta be easier.

 

The -only- thing holding me back is not wanting to hurt my bf. But I wonder if I don't hurt him more by being unable to function while this eats at me.

 

Argh. Really want to cut.

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